My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
