My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
