Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
