Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
