if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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