I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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