today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
