never play flip cup with pint glasses
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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