I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
