What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
organizing the empties. That sober.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
