I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
