I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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