He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
