i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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