My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
