seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
