Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
