I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
