Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
