nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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