Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
