If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
