My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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