College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
