Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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