I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
