I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
