I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
