remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
