The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
