Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
