I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
