the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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