Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
