remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
