When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
