Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
