Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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