Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
