So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
