he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
