Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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