just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
