Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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