dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
