you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
