I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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