Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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