my room smells like sperm. sweet.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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