you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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