Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
