There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
