Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
