i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
