i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
