if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize