there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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