and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
